The Wheel

If you read this blog, then you probably know me. If you know me, then you probably know that I was on Wheel of Fortune last night. If you knew I was on the show and didn't watch it, then I hate you and wish you didn't know me.

It was weird watching myself on TV. Who knew I was so handsome? Well, I did. But, who else? The number was probably limited to those who have seen me in person. Now, however, a good portion of the game show viewing public is fully aware of my stunning good looks. I've already had to turn down a few autograph requests from neighbors in my apartment complex.

The show itself, was a heck of a lot of fun. When I say heck, I mean HECK! (Capital letters followed by an exclamation point indicates a strong vocalization of the word). Vanna White is much smaller and older than I thought. Pat is short, but he wants to be taller than everyone else. If you were paying close attention you noticed I was about the same height as the other contestants. If you know me, then you know (already went over the Greek god part) that I tower over most people. By most I mean everybody except for professional basketball players. Where do those freaks come from?!? Anyway, the contestant stage is divided into three (duh) parts. Each person has a lift under their feet so everyone can appear the same height on television. They told me it had something to do with the 19th Amendment. That was fine with me. What wasn't fine with me was Pat's use of the lift.

Whenever Pat stood next to me he made use of the lift to appear taller than me! Who is this guy? I wanted to punch him off his high horse, er, pedestal. How dare he make claim to superior height status. I swallowed my pride and continued with the show.

After the show was over (none of the following events actually occurred) Pat met us all back stage to congratulate us. As he approached me to shake my hand I bent his thumb back a la Steven Seagal. "Who's taller now ya little bitch?" I said. As his knees buckled I kicked him in the balls. That sprung his torso and head toward me and I thought he was coming in for a head butt. I poked him in the eyes a la Moe Howard - he's apparently not familiar with Curly's hand to nose defense. Then, his left hand shot up to grab his stinging eyes, but I thought he was going for the Vulcan nerve pinch. I intercepted his hand with my teeth and bit off his thumb, which is the most dangerous of the five fingers. Without his thumb, spraying blood in the air, Pat went into shock. His eyes rolled back in his head and he started seizing and foaming at the mouth. But, I thought he was conjuring up a demon so I grabbed his nostrils with my two fore fingers, lifted him off the ground, and held him there until he stopped twitching. I released him and his limp body fell to the ground. Evidently, he stopped breathing. I called 911 from a nearby phone and then walked toward the exit. After witnessing the entire ordeal, Vanna thanked me on my way out. Not for calling 911, but in her words, "thank you for setting that little shit straight." I said, "No problem, I had a lot of fun. Have you seen that blond bitch?"